Somnolent Criticality: Why I Can't Just "Fall" Asleep
[Written in response to the prompt: “Is ‘doing nothing’ a good use of your time?”]
It’s ten in the evening. I draw the curtains in my room as I prepare for bed. The rings slide across the curtain rod with a rattling swish just loud enough to be uncomfortable. My bed is only semi-well made, with the blanket and sheet drooping down over one corner, almost hitting the floor. I try my best to shift the entire arrangement back into an even position before shutting off the lights and climbing in.
It’s been a long day. My only hope is to actually get eight hours in this time and wake up refreshed tomorrow. But let’s be honest, that probably won’t happen.
I consider myself to be a pretty sound sleeper. Once I’m knocked out, it takes a decent amount of effort to wake me up. The bigger problem for me is falling asleep in the first place. I’m not an insomniac, but it still usually takes me at least half an hour to go to sleep every night unless I’m especially tired. As a result, I spend a lot of time lying in bed, eyes closed, trying to go to sleep but inevitably falling victim to the whims of my racing mind. Thoughts run through my head like minnows racing through a stream. And ever so slowly, my mind calms down before finally reaching the critical point of losing consciousness. It may take a while, but it works.
My mind runs completely free before falling asleep. Most of these thoughts are pointless. A lot of them are me worrying about future obligations. A lot of them suggest productivity but do nothing to execute it. All of it serves to build the illusion that I am somehow getting things done when all I’m really doing is lying down on a soft rectangle with various sheets of fabric draped over my body like fallen leaves over a rotting animal’s corpse.
I should hate it, but I don’t. I should like it, but I don’t.
I’m doing nothing, but that nothing is still taking me somewhere. How does that work? Things don’t just get done by themselves; they must be worked for. And yet, I always seem to find myself back in a situation where I’m doing nothing, but it feels like something. No movement. No sound. No visual stimulation of any kind. If you didn’t know any better, you might think to call it mediation. Except I’m not meditating at all because my mind is zooming the whole time. It certainly seems like I’m moving somewhere when I zip past all these thoughts, but there’s always a rational side of me that quickly realizes that nothing I think of should be accomplishing anything.
But it HAS to be accomplishing something, right? There must be something in all of this nothing!
I can believe all I want that we live in some magical world where things happen without you having to work for them. But I need to understand that that just isn’t the case.
But all I’m trying to find out is why I have to think so much before falling asleep. There has to be a reason!
One of these days, I’ll come to accept that “doing nothing” is just as boring and purposeless as it sounds. And as for this sleep thing, it seems unavoidable for the time being. So the only thing I can do is accept it.
The only thing to do is accept that sometimes, all we can do is nothing. All we can do is patiently wait as the river of time carries us downstream and the grasp of slumber envelops us in its relinquishing embrace.
Is this really the only way?
Trust me. It may take a while, but it works.
Hi Michael! I thought it was interesting that you weren't able to fall asleep and that was your definition of doing nothing. Your interpretation worked really well though - you could really tie it into your insomnia and sleep. One aspect I think you could improve is tying your experience to others. How might the lessons you learned be relatable to someone who doesn't know you? Other than that, I think you have a great essay! Your sentence length variation was really entertaining and I liked how you led the reader through your thoughts. It really felt like we were getting a glimpse FROM your mind, especially with the details about your room. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Michael, this was very interesting to read. I like how detailed the description of your room is, and you use a lot of good metaphors. I think the structure you use is cool, and maybe you could experiment with the italics and have them include specific examples or actually simulate the kinds of thoughts you have while you’re trying to fall asleep. (ex. You talk about worrying about the future or doing work in your head, but what specifically?), and this could also help show not tell rapid thoughts of different topics. You could maybe also expand more on the end about accepting nothingness, since it’s a pretty big turning point in the essay.
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